Monday, April 30, 2007
Computer hangups and letdowns
Its been an unsettling week for me as far as my computer goes.
It's the fifth time it's been completely wiped out within six months. Shouldn't a computer be more dependable than that? It's only two years old. I believed in my computer once The Apple Store installed a brand new logic board in it. Now they say it has an unstable hard drive and an unstable power button.
I trusted in my computer like one trusts a friend. I gave of myself with no second thoughts. Pure trust. No cross-examination. No scrutiny. I took it for what it seemed. I believed in it's authenticity.
It's like pouring your heart and soul into someone who you thought believed in the same meaning of loyalty and friendship as you do. Only instead, they take all your hopes and return them to you in an empty paper bag.
How does one learn to trust again?
Should I just go out and buy a new hard drive before I lose everything all over again? Or.. do I ride it out. Backing up everything... preparing myself for the inevitable and final upheaval.
Walking on eggshells is never fun. Eggshells will break in the end.
I collected photos and stacked email letters in neat folders on my hard-drive as if I would have them forever. I created bookmarks to my favorite blogs. I stored my favorite people's addresses that are now lost until they track me down again. Not to mention illustrations and designs I was working on. And, like a friend who has let me down, I blame myself for my own naivete and willingness to trust and my friend for inconsistency.
Two weeks ago, my brother gave me three trees to plant, but I only planted two. And, on Saturday morning as I laid there in my bed in those moments between asleep and awake, I thought of that last tree sitting in an upheaval in a pot between my house and the neighbor's driveway, forgotten and unwatered for two weeks. I went out there to look at it and it was so beautiful and had such a determination to live. So I dragged it into my backyard, dug another deep hole and placed her in it. She is thriving. So happy. I believe she will live for a hundred more years.
A tree that's determined to live against such odds has a long future.
I wish my computer had the same sort of drive.