The sound of silence

It's the silence that is so deafening.

Funny how the mind twists and turns truths like an old tired rope. All frayed at the edges.

It's the silence (or lack of response) that keeps you up at night worrying and re-living and keeping you from truly resting your spirit. When someone stops talking to you, many things happen.

For starters, the mind starts filling in the blanks that now so obviously exists between two people. The mind is inventive and cruel and cunning. It can tell you things so seemingly impossible, and make you believe them more than any thread of truth.

Silence can cause enormous paranoia.

You make up fears. You invent scenarios that never actually happened. You make up the problem in your head, and not the one that actually took place last week or last year or even many years ago.

What happened? Well, usually both people are right and wrong.

I always say there are three sides to every story.

First there is the truth which actually happened.

Then what follows is that each person sees it from a different perspective which creates the other two stories.

It's the perspective.

It's funny what people remember. Ask them to tell you their experience of the same event you just experienced with them and you'll know what I mean.

Where they stood and what they heard and saw and felt cannot be what you saw or heard or felt.

It cannot be. Because its two people experiencing it from different places.

A point of view changes everything. It's not all right. It's not all wrong. It's just different.

We are all guilty of this in smaller, subtle moments: The call we forgot to return. An email that we haven't replied to. Not responding to a facebook comment on our wall. We were busy. We forgot. We're still planning on calling, writing, commenting... we just haven't yet. And maybe we never will. But it's not intentional.

I am wishing you a view to remember that it's not always personal ... the courage to rise above the silence ... and the perspective to keep you focused on your journey.

Cat vomit on your sofa

Some days are like this.

You're feeling happy. The house is clean. You have candles lit. The house is warm. Food in the oven. Friends are coming over. And then the cat vomits on your sofa.

Disappointments always show up unexpectedly.

Home repairs.
Sickness.
Money difficulties.
Disappointments.
And cat vomit.

I think the most importance in all this is how we react to these challenges. My reactions to disappointments today ultimately affects the happiness and quality of my life tomorrow. And then the next day.

Life isn't perfect. But there are perfect moments in this life. Just like the one that's slipping away half-noticed as I finish writing out this sentence. Makes me feel sorta anxious like I ought to be doing something much more significant than typing this post.

So off I go.... have a great day. And seek out those perfect moments.

Another growth spurt

I always get thrown off kilter when I come across rude people.

I realize their behavior is about them and I've become better at not taking their rudeness personally. But still. It can really throw me off course for a time.

Since early January I have been working on some very high profile illustration jobs for a client who works with all the large toy companies. She warned me at the beginning that there will be short, demanding deadlines and she was right. Often times, I would get a call late into the evening requesting a turn-around by 8 that morning. I met every deadline without complaint.

When she emailed me last weekend asking me to complete two large projects within nine days, I knew it wasn't possible with my heavy workload during my day job. Going to bed regularly at 2 am and waking up early was beginning to take it's toll. So I wrote her back asking her for an extension to the deadline.

Though I was disappointed, I was not surprised she fired back some really ugly words toward me and basically told me to take a hike. She was asking me for the impossible and I knew it. And she knew it, too. I was perfectly willing to work with her, but I needed extra time to meet my deadline.

She would not budge and in that moment, after she fired me, I discovered that its up to me to take charge of my own work habits. To take care of myself.

By putting everyone else's needs first, I neglect my own. Every time I say YES to some thing, I say NO to some thing else. It's important for me to really examine what will suffer for every commitment I make. And, if I don't respect my personal time, no one else is sure going to.

I am grateful for these growth spurts. Though painful for a time, it only stretches me to become better to myself and others.



"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look once in awhile, you could miss it". - Ferris Bueller

Computer hangups and letdowns

Its been an unsettling week for me as far as my computer goes.

It's the fifth time it's been completely wiped out within six months. Shouldn't a computer be more dependable than that? It's only two years old. I believed in my computer once The Apple Store installed a brand new logic board in it. Now they say it has an unstable hard drive and an unstable power button.

I trusted in my computer like one trusts a friend. I gave of myself with no second thoughts. Pure trust. No cross-examination. No scrutiny. I took it for what it seemed. I believed in it's authenticity.

It's like pouring your heart and soul into someone who you thought believed in the same meaning of loyalty and friendship as you do. Only instead, they take all your hopes and return them to you in an empty paper bag.

How does one learn to trust again?
Should I just go out and buy a new hard drive before I lose everything all over again? Or.. do I ride it out. Backing up everything... preparing myself for the inevitable and final upheaval.

Walking on eggshells is never fun. Eggshells will break in the end.

I collected photos and stacked email letters in neat folders on my hard-drive as if I would have them forever. I created bookmarks to my favorite blogs. I stored my favorite people's addresses that are now lost until they track me down again. Not to mention illustrations and designs I was working on. And, like a friend who has let me down, I blame myself for my own naivete and willingness to trust and my friend for inconsistency.

Two weeks ago, my brother gave me three trees to plant, but I only planted two. And, on Saturday morning as I laid there in my bed in those moments between asleep and awake, I thought of that last tree sitting in an upheaval in a pot between my house and the neighbor's driveway, forgotten and unwatered for two weeks. I went out there to look at it and it was so beautiful and had such a determination to live. So I dragged it into my backyard, dug another deep hole and placed her in it. She is thriving. So happy. I believe she will live for a hundred more years.

A tree that's determined to live against such odds has a long future.

I wish my computer had the same sort of drive.

You did it again

Just when I started to trust you again.

Just when I believed I could depend on you.

Even though I knew you were probably still unstable, I began to feel more comfortable with you. I believed you wouldn't let me down like you did before because you have good logic which you lacked before.

But. You did it again last night.

Shame on you Mac. You lost your drive.

You've had two logic boards put in you already and now Apple is saying your hard drive needs to be replaced. And you might be losing your power. You are only two years old Mac.

I think you are a bit fat lemon. I just can't rely on you anymore.

You are no longer the Apple of my eye.

Just say No

"What will you charge to design a business logo / t-shirt design / an ad for me? I don't want you to spend any more than twenty minutes on it..."

Do you know how many times I have been asked that?

A few months ago I was asked, "Can you do 30 high-end illustrations for my book I hope to publish? I don't have any money but can pay you once it gets published. If. it. gets. published."

My backbone just got a bit tougher today.

Just say no.

Let me tell you about a recent experience. I was hired to do a lot of illustration work for a large toy company. I was thrilled! It was budgeted for $300 for the project and I started working on it at once. It sounded fun and easy enough and I thought I could design it between five and seven hours. What I didn't take into account, was that the creative director was difficult to please and after excessive and relentless amount of changes, it took me 43 hours and I only ended up making $6.42 an hour for the completed project before taxes.

Last week the creative director called me in a panic: "Shawn! I need your help again! I need more artwork! Much like the previous one you did! Can you do it!? I need it on my desk first thing in the morning!"

I cancelled dinner plans and went to work on it right away. I took her art direction from the previous job, and created work I was proud of. I worked through the night and uploaded the project an hour before she downloaded it. Mission accomplished. It felt good she could count on me. I told her I wouldn't let her down and I didn't. I was so excited to hear how her meeting went. I sent her a ton of well wishes.

She sent me off a quick email. "Looks great! Thank you!!"

And then I sent her an invoice for both projects.

I charged her on the agreed price of $300 for the first project that ended up taking me 43 hours and $300 for the similiar project that took me nine hours.

Last night I received a rather cool email from her that left me feeling dehydrated. She coldly remarked that the second project which I worked all through the night was only budgeted in the price range of $75.

Her words made me feel sad and used up. I wrote her back immediately but did not back down on my price.

Freelance business can be a tough business. I've done it off and on most of my life and happily for me, I am employed now and only do freelance on occasion. But it's so easy to say yes to accepting low paying jobs with unappreciative or difficult clients because it pays the bills and it will look good in the portfolio.

About fifteen years ago, I videotaped weddings for a living.

The daughter of a doctor-friend I respected a great deal hired me to videotape her wedding but cancelled at the last minute due to going over her wedding budget. She invited me, instead, to attend the wedding. As a kind gesture and excitement of attending the wedding, I went ahead and with my crew, we videotaped her wedding, anyway, as a wedding present. It didn't cost just our time, but it cost me quite a bit of money in tapes and mics and rental fees and gas for the 3-hour trip. Two months later, I got a call from her brother who I didn't know. "Can you videotape our wedding on the beach in Malibu in September?" I was so excited!

"Of course!" I told him.

For a moment there, I actually believed that my doctor friend who I so loved and admired, would want me to be paid this time around to videotape her son's wedding. I thought it was so obvious, because she knew the endless hours and energy and expense it took to create her daughter's wedding videotape a few months earlier. But. Somewhere during the conversation, he said "I'm so glad! My mother said you'd probably love to do it for free and we don't have any money to pay you for your travels or the hotel... so I appreciate you saying yes..."

I stood there with the phone to my ear, stunned. I could barely speak. Somehow, I managed to choke out the words "I will not do it for free..."

It would have cost me several hundred dollars to do it for free out of my own pocket. I was young and vulnerable and charged cheaper rates to get the job. But I believe my cheaper prices was the very reason why they didn't respect me in the first place.

I stopped that business after one last wedding I had booked and that was it for me.

After last night and much contemplation today, I have decided to be much more selective of my freelance clients. I want to work with people I like and people who value my creativity. Too often in my past, I felt obligated to work on a project simply because I was asked to do it. And because I would feel guilty for turning down a paying job no-matter-the-price.

Being self-employed can be absolutely wonderful and it is for so many artists. It can open doors to great opportunities and financial success and lots more freedom. But it can also be full of distractions and tempting choices that take you away from the very activity that you really want to make time for.

We can get too caught up on doing mundane and low-paying work that pays the bills, but we run out of time to do what we really dream about. At least, it has certainly been that way with me many times.

Today, even though I feel used up and depleted, I'm so grateful I have a fulltime creative job that I enjoy and don't need to rely on outside jobs to put food on my table. And I will focus on that. I will be grateful for the job I have. And for now on, I will only do freelance work that I love by those who value my work.

Steaming Hot Popcorn

I was feeling hungry.

On the front seat next to me, was a steaming hot microwave popcorn bag just waiting to be opened. I pulled into the gas station, and stepped out of my car, when a man approached me.

"Maam? Can you spare some money for my kids? We have car trouble and we're driving down to L.A. for the holidays and my kids are hungry."

I didn't have any cash, but I happily offered him my untouched bag of popcorn.

He leaned over and punched the bag out of my hand. The popcorn exploded in every direction.

"I asked for money!" he shouted as he rushed away disappearing behind cars.

I stood there for a moment. Shivering.

With him disappeared something else -- my trust.

I got back into my car and as I drove off, I felt sad and confused.

This man has made it difficult for me to want to help a stranger again in the future. It's hard to trust fire once it's burned you. I wonder if I will always remain skeptical. Will it always just linger there under the surface with me? Will I always second-guess someone with needs?

I laid in bed that night, thinking of him, still shivering from the cold.

It's Just Five Minutes In My Life

I swing the kitchen door open from inside the garage and the doorknob breaks off in my hand. Several pieces bounce to the ground and under my car. Once inside, I hear my cell phone ringing, but its in the bedroom. The tune gets louder and louder and louder and seemingly faster and faster and causes me to panic thinking it's an important phone call. So without taking the time to turn on any of the lights, I rush through the dark living room, down the hall and into the blackness of the bedroom ... kicking over a clean litter box, flipping it in the air upside down. The phone has now stopped ringing.

I probably missed a very important phone call. Or worse, it's a wrong number.

I flip the light switch on and scoop up as much litter as I can to refill the litter box. Afterwards I walk into the bathroom to wash my hands and as I turn the bathroom sink knob, it decides to mimic my kitchen doorknob and it screws off in my hand. I easily screw it back in place while Mollie is meowing at me to eat. I dry my hands off and though I am just inches away, I don't want to take the time to lean over and hang the towel on the rack, so I TOSS it and miss and it drops in the toilet. I grab the dripping towel and run with it through the dark rooms over to the washing machine to drop it in.

With the lights now turned on, I feed the cat and then pull out the vacuum cleaner. Just as I'm about to plug it in, I can hear sweet little Mollie barfing up her entire dinner on my living room rug.

I haven't had a bad day. Just a really lousy five-minutes.

A New Beginning

I LOVE summer vacations. I think everyone should experience some sort of 'get-away' during the summer.

I am in New Symrna Beach, Florida looking out over the Atlantic Ocean this very minute. I see so many walkers on the beach with their arms pumping up and down, they look more like marionettes than human beings. I have been here five days. Later this afternoon, I drive into Orlando to celebrate a friend's birthday and then fly to Dallas in the morning where I will visit more friends for another five days or so.

This is a wonderful break for me. I am not allowing myself to worry what I will do when I return back home.

A couple of days before I left, the start-up company I was working on with two friends ended for me. It really caught me off-guard. It happened so suddenly. Just three weekends ago, we talked of putting me on salary and stock options. And then the business plan suddenly turned on its heals and now going in a different direction. A direction far from my illustrations I was hired to do. They said, "we're going to put you on pause for a year." On pause.

Instead, I am fast-forwarding ahead with my life.

I do not feel afraid. I feel safe. Despite these sudden changes, I still believe I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life right now. That's all I know. I don't know what that means. I can't imagine what my future holds for me. I turned a year older two days ago.

It's a good time for a new beginning.