Thursday, April 16, 2009

Flat and fat and who's path am I on anyway?

I've been feeling so monotone lately.

I think I'm going through the change.

That's what my mom calls it. "Going through the change".

I used to think that was something that happened to women in their 50s or possibly even in their 60s .... but ... apparently... I am wrong. Women are becoming peri-menopausal as early as their 20s these days! Not that I'm anywhere near my 20s....

I haven't written nearly as much as i have wanted, because ... to be honest with you ... whenever I sit down to write, I stare blankly at my computer's monitor for seemingly hours without a word to say.

The only thing I seem to accomplish is to breathe in deep and exhale a gust of air and watch my bangs blow upward toward the ceiling as I wait for just the right words to pop into my brain. But the only words that do surface are words like whatcha-macallit and thinga-majig or that doo-hickey.

What happened? My brain was once full. And now.. it's like someone gathered up all my passion and fun and excitement and drive into one large empty grocery bag and then tossed it into the nearest garbage bin.

For a while now, I've been self-reflecting and evaluating my blog, my life, my friends, and pretty much everything else that happens to find it's way across my path. Is this the right path for me? Is there a better one?

Everything that once was, seems to be no longer. The only thing predictable now is the unpredictability. My body is not playing fair anymore, either. I'm not liking it. It's almost as if the simple smell of food seems to be enough to pack on a coupla pounds around my mid-section. It's nothing short of hormonal terrorism.

My life feels like it's passing me by in a galloping pace and I want to jump in and start living in it more. I want to feel excited about things again like I once did not that long ago ... when it's 2 am and I'm super wide awake but who cares, because this is so much fun! And then I wake up early because I can't wait to start doing whatever that is again.

I'm not recognizing me much these days. My stories don't seem to have any rhythm to them. In fact, I don't feel like telling them. Sometimes I begin and then after a paragraph, I fear the story is not interesting enough and I need to stop. I want to show a project I've been working on and even that seems puny and silly to share.

I think, perhaps, my Muse has packed up her bags and bought a one-way ticket out of town.

Hang in there with me. I'll be back sooon. The me that once was.

Isn't that right? Those who have traveled this path before me? We really do come back as ourselves, don't we? Please say yes....


Anonymous said...

Hey girlfriend! You are not alone and things will go back to where they were! I can assure you! There are lots of treatments that are now available. I enjoy reading your blog and seeing your creations. You always make me happy when I come for a visit. Thank you for that.

danny said...

Don't worry, I'm waaaay out there too, literally! I totally understand what you mean by your Muse packing its bags, and just not seeming to care. Mine has gone missing for awhile too...but, we do care! otherwise, we wouldn't notice. Sometimes, just sometimes, I catch a glimpse, like in a dream, or in an ocean filled with fog, I can hear a distant foghorn and that's what makes me think what was lost can still somehow be found again. We will always search for the world that ought to be, sometimes the search just gets tiresome.

Autumn said...

I'm right there with Danny. I've not felt focused for some time now either, but can sense I'll get it back in its own due time. Maybe it's the stress of the world ... that affects us sensitive souls. Anyway, you're not alone.... and it appears you're in good company! Thank you for sharing on this that many of us are feeling.

Kate said...

First of all, the answer is no, we do not come back as ourselves. We come back as better selves. You get thru this and suddenly the little things that pestered the H out of you before are not worth a thought. You will be much wiser. Go the natural route - there are so many options to "beat the heat"...exercise, no alcohol (bad news), no caffeine, yes to fresh stuff and flaxseed, etc. Read up on it! Don't let your mind play a game with you! You will be the new and improved SHAWN!

doodlegirl said...

Thank you so much Anon, danny, Autumn and Kate for all your wise and thoughtful comments. Ya know, it's funny, but just expressing that outloud, has made me feel better already. Bless you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Doodlegirl,

I am going to call you that from now on... it's cute...

Welcome to my world... My 40's sucked and now I turn 50 next month and things are starting to turn around for me... I started this new diet for your blood type and am not eating red meat, wheat, dairy, junk food, and actually feel pretty darn good... its not easy,because i lived off Sugar for the last 49 years... haha... but i actually feel good not filling my body with bad food.... check back in with me in a few months and see how i feel... :^D


doodlegirl said...

HayLaura! --Hey Laura? :O)

WOW! That's a whole lotta giving up! But I bet you DO feel pretty darn good! I omit a lot of the "white food" here and there and then because I'm running..."I eat on credit"... oh... I'll eat the hamburger bun cause I'm gonna run 5 miles tomorrow.." etc. I am curious how long you have been on this diet! I'm proud of you! And I just might be behind you (literally) in this new eating diet you're on! I'm poud of you!