My To Do List

Remember a few weeks back or maybe it was a couple of months ago, when I was so thrilled by my newly organized clean house? Everything was neatly put away and the house was so clean, I didn't panic when someone dropped by unexpectedly or asked to use my bathroom.

I loved this feeling of calm that went through me and I was determined to make this my new reality!

It was then, when my next door neighbor and her friend dropped in to see my newly updated kitchen. She was so taken back by my clean, uncluttered home (it was her first time she ever walked into my house, so she thought this was normal for me), and was so inspired, she took two days off to clean her house and emptied two carloads of junk to the Good Will! The friend she was with told me later that she went home and kicked her house!

I LOVED it and yet, I have to admit, I did feel a wee bit highfalutin. It did look a bit staged... as if there was a For Sale sign up and an Open House was about to begin.

Well.

As you can see by my list (and so far the list is up to 23 things to do by tomorrow afternoon), I have somewhat fallen back into my old ways.

First it was the small things.

Leaving the newspaper and a few bills on the kitchen table. (I'll put it away later....)

Not putting away the three magazines I took outside with me in the backyard to read-- er, thumb through -- and then left them on the kitchen counter.

The clothes I folded from the dryer sat on the living room coffee table because I was in the middle of watching Big Brother and forgot to hang them in my closet during a commercial.

The cat food that dropped from Mollie's dish eventually adhered to the floor, so I left it.

The quick impromptu cleanings just before someone dropped in, was quickly tossed into the garage and now I need to clean that up.

It is now nearly back to where it once was, although the closets are still in good organized order.

I admit it: The task of putting everything away where they belong does not come naturally to me. (and probably the reason why the closets stay so clean). Neither does the determination in keeping my sink sparkling clean. And my aim is still slightly off when I throw my worn clothes across the room hoping to land in the hamper. How hard is it really, to walk over and place the clothes in the actual clothes hamper than leaving them all laying on the floor around it.

By the way, I never use the word "highfalutin". It came to me in a sudden moment and I think it's a pretty cute word so I used it a few paragraphs above. But it's not really me. In an honest moment of confessing to you that I was feeling pretentious with my neighbor and her friend while showing them my neat and tidy house, I felt pretentious again using that fun, cute word.

I'm not apologizing, but just wanted to let you know.

Off to clean the house. . . .

Can you hear me?

I have been so quiet lately. I don't know what it is or why that is.

It's like my heart and my head has gotten disconnected. I go through the motions throughout my day, and I get things accomplished, but I don't feel truly there.

I'm present but I'm not focused. It's as though my thoughts are someplace else, but the truth is, I'm not thinking much of anything. I imagine inside my brain, it's just a lot of interstate highway without much traffic.

I think deep down inside, in my core - spirit - soul, where my brain operates without words, I am asking myself what I was born to be. What I can do to leave my mark in this world long after I am gone. I know I will never have kids.

So. What will my kids be?

Fabric is a great child. The fabric I have designed can live on years after my life is over. It's the same with the children interactive rugs I've created. There is a lot of creative stuff inside me that still wants to come out. I still want to write a book. Or two. And I daydream of starting back my comic strip.

Someday.

I need to feel more empowered to do these things. I need to have a healthier, stronger core and ego surrounding my talents. I've always felt that I was the kid who stands halfway down the court in a one-point-behind basketball game and just as the last bell rings at the finish of the game, I loft the ball high up in the air and it's on track to reach the basket.... and the entire crowd is moved to silence holding their breath as they stand to see if we win or lose the game. The ball hits the rim and it spins around and around and around ... I look out and and everyone appears to have stopped into slow-motion.. and if this were a movie.. the ball would fall in ... but it's real life... and the ball circles the rim another time or two.. and then .... spills out and bounces a few times down on the court, losing the game.

I'm good enough to picked for the team. But not always good enough.

Someday I will be.

That sure is a tricky word, isn't it? Even toxic. When you're a kid, the word someday is the worst word in the English language. Even when you get older... the word someday isn't a good word because you know that someday is probably never going to happen.

"Can we go to Disneyland?"

"Not now, but someday..."

Everyone's got a someday.

Like buying a home up in the hills overlooking Dry Creek Valley in Healdsburg.

That's my someday.

Or adding a bathtub and shower in the master bathroom.

These somedays are like a placeholder name to put something off.

When I was a young girl I fell in love with Tony Defranco of the musical group The Defranco Family. I saw this photo on the inside cover of Tigerbeat while waiting for my mom to buy our groceries at Luckys and was instantly smitten.
I wrote Tony a fan letter and he wrote me back hoping I can see them perform that summer at Magic Mountain.

"Can we go!? Can we go!!?"
"Maybe. If not this time around, we will take you someday."

I eventually had that someday about 10 years ago.

The Defrancos sang at the first Retrofest in Santa Monica. I believe it was the first time they performed since the 70s. I flew down there, stayed at the LAX Hilton and went to see them in concert the following day. It was a little disappointing. I was no longer the little girl who had the crush on Tony. The music sounded amateur. I felt a tinge bit embarrassed sitting there in the small audience. But I always wanted to see them in concert. And was thrilled I accomplished one of my somedays.

I want to enjoy this journey in my life. I don't want to sit on the side lines waiting for that someday to potentially never happen.

I just need to reconnect my brain and my heart back together again. To focus back in. To rediscover what new project I can work on that will bring me my joy.

I guess for now.. i'm experiencing the quiet before the storm. The rest before the race. I got my shoes tied and I'm ready to embark on whatever it is that draws me. Or what I draw out. I truly am. So bring it on.

banana pops

"Pick a hand! Pick a hand!" she said as soon as I opened up my front door.

She was giddy with excitement with two hands hidden behind her back.

"The left one," I said before changing my mind. "No, the right. The right! No... no. The left! Make it the left!"

I watched her for a moment, while her shoulders bounced up and down shuffling between hands before pulling out a frozen chocolate covered banana for me. She wasn't wearing her usual makeup and her hair looked almost like schlack to her head. As I extended my hand to accept it from her, my eyes rivoted to her dark cave-like smile.

She caught my eye contact and quickly slapped her hand up to her mouth. "I've been violently ill with the flu and threw up my teeth this morning. I had one hand grabbin' onto my hair jus' like this to hold my hair up and I had this other hand flushin' the toilet and I jus' wasn't quick enough to grab my uppers before they swirled down the drain!"

She then smiled an upsidedown smile to show me her unhappiness. When I saw a few lower teeth just barely sinking up above her gums, I suddenly felt like I was about to get ill myself.

"Pick a hand!" She shouted again. "Pick a hand. Nuthin' but a hand!" From her other hand, she pulled out the yellow box. "After you eat my delicious treat, you're gonna wanna make yer own, so here's a gift!"

She was a neighbor I hardly knew.

I barely said the words: "thank you" before she got a worried look to her face, cupped her hands to her mouth and ran toward her home.

I watched her run down the sidewalk as I closed the door. I took a deep breath and felt ashamed for what I was about to do.

I took one look at the chocolate covered banana and another at the box and I knew only too well, not to hold on to something I knew I would never eat. I tossed them both away.

Gift-giving. It's really in the timing. Had she felt well, I wouldn't have thought anything about eating the banana she had handed to me. But now, I wasn't able to get past the thought of even keeping the box. Except to snap this picture of it that looks like perhaps the shelf date has expired years ago.

The Pavement Picasso

I am sure you have all seen the brilliant chalk artwork that Julian Beever has created on pavement since the mid 1990s.  His drawings create the illusion of three demensions. I am in awe each time I see his work and I think you will be, too. This beautiful wonderful creation drawn only in chalk on a street that will be washed away in time and if not caught on film, it would be gone forever. 

You can view a video on youtube of him at work here. 

(Sorry. I don't know who to give the photo credits to, as I received this in an email).

Such a beautiful labor day weekend

Labor Day.

I really live in a beautiful place.

From playing beach volleyball for two hours on the beach to a late lunch under the giant redwood trees, it was an awesome day.

And yesterday I invited friends from our old work place Mattel™ for an all-day barbecue party.

I feel good. Sleepy, yes, but I feel good. I am enjoying my summer. 

I feel I'm heading in the right direction. Inviting friends into my life. Even new ones. My house is now in order and so is my yard. I'm now ready for some fun. And some conversation. And play.  And it's happening.