I have been so quiet lately. I don't know what it is or why that is.
It's like my heart and my head has gotten disconnected. I go through the motions throughout my day, and I get things accomplished, but I don't feel truly there.
I'm present but I'm not focused. It's as though my thoughts are someplace else, but the truth is, I'm not thinking much of anything. I imagine inside my brain, it's just a lot of interstate highway without much traffic.
I think deep down inside, in my core - spirit - soul, where my brain operates without words, I am asking myself what I was born to be. What I can do to leave my mark in this world long after I am gone. I know I will never have kids.
So. What will my kids be?
Fabric is a great child. The fabric I have designed can live on years after my life is over. It's the same with the children interactive rugs I've created. There is a lot of creative stuff inside me that still wants to come out. I still want to write a book. Or two. And I daydream of starting back my comic strip.
I need to feel more empowered to do these things. I need to have a healthier, stronger core and ego surrounding my talents. I've always felt that I was the kid who stands halfway down the court in a one-point-behind basketball game and just as the last bell rings at the finish of the game, I loft the ball high up in the air and it's on track to reach the basket.... and the entire crowd is moved to silence holding their breath as they stand to see if we win or lose the game. The ball hits the rim and it spins around and around and around ... I look out and and everyone appears to have stopped into slow-motion.. and if this were a movie.. the ball would fall in ... but it's real life... and the ball circles the rim another time or two.. and then .... spills out and bounces a few times down on the court, losing the game.
I'm good enough to picked for the team. But not always good enough.
Someday I will be.
That sure is a tricky word, isn't it? Even toxic. When you're a kid, the word someday is the worst word in the English language. Even when you get older... the word someday isn't a good word because you know that someday is probably never going to happen.
"Can we go to Disneyland?"
"Not now, but someday..."
Everyone's got a someday.
Like buying a home up in the hills overlooking Dry Creek Valley in Healdsburg.
That's my someday.
Or adding a bathtub and shower in the master bathroom.
These somedays are like a placeholder name to put something off.
When I was a young girl I fell in love with Tony Defranco of the musical group The Defranco Family. I saw this photo on the inside cover of Tigerbeat while waiting for my mom to buy our groceries at Luckys and was instantly smitten.
I wrote Tony a fan letter and he wrote me back hoping I can see them perform that summer at Magic Mountain.
"Can we go!? Can we go!!?"
"Maybe. If not this time around, we will take you someday."
I eventually had that someday about 10 years ago.
The Defrancos sang at the first Retrofest in Santa Monica. I believe it was the first time they performed since the 70s. I flew down there, stayed at the LAX Hilton and went to see them in concert the following day. It was a little disappointing. I was no longer the little girl who had the crush on Tony. The music sounded amateur. I felt a tinge bit embarrassed sitting there in the small audience. But I always wanted to see them in concert. And was thrilled I accomplished one of my somedays.
I want to enjoy this journey in my life. I don't want to sit on the side lines waiting for that someday to potentially never happen.
I just need to reconnect my brain and my heart back together again. To focus back in. To rediscover what new project I can work on that will bring me my joy.
I guess for now.. i'm experiencing the quiet before the storm. The rest before the race. I got my shoes tied and I'm ready to embark on whatever it is that draws me. Or what I draw out. I truly am. So bring it on.