Saturday, September 20, 2008

Can you hear me?

I have been so quiet lately. I don't know what it is or why that is.

It's like my heart and my head has gotten disconnected. I go through the motions throughout my day, and I get things accomplished, but I don't feel truly there.

I'm present but I'm not focused. It's as though my thoughts are someplace else, but the truth is, I'm not thinking much of anything. I imagine inside my brain, it's just a lot of interstate highway without much traffic.

I think deep down inside, in my core - spirit - soul, where my brain operates without words, I am asking myself what I was born to be. What I can do to leave my mark in this world long after I am gone. I know I will never have kids.

So. What will my kids be?

is a great child. The fabric I have designed can live on years after my life is over. It's the same with the children interactive rugs I've created. There is a lot of creative stuff inside me that still wants to come out. I still want to write a book. Or two. And I daydream of starting back my comic strip.


I need to feel more empowered to do these things. I need to have a healthier, stronger core and ego surrounding my talents. I've always felt that I was the kid who stands halfway down the court in a one-point-behind basketball game and just as the last bell rings at the finish of the game, I loft the ball high up in the air and it's on track to reach the basket.... and the entire crowd is moved to silence holding their breath as they stand to see if we win or lose the game. The ball hits the rim and it spins around and around and around ... I look out and and everyone appears to have stopped into slow-motion.. and if this were a movie.. the ball would fall in ... but it's real life... and the ball circles the rim another time or two.. and then .... spills out and bounces a few times down on the court, losing the game.

I'm good enough to picked for the team. But not always good enough.

Someday I will be.

That sure is a tricky word, isn't it? Even toxic. When you're a kid, the word someday is the worst word in the English language. Even when you get older... the word someday isn't a good word because you know that someday is probably never going to happen.

"Can we go to Disneyland?"

"Not now, but someday..."

Everyone's got a someday.

Like buying a home up in the hills overlooking Dry Creek Valley in Healdsburg.

That's my someday.

Or adding a bathtub and shower in the master bathroom.

These somedays are like a placeholder name to put something off.

When I was a young girl I fell in love with Tony Defranco of the musical group The Defranco Family. I saw this photo on the inside cover of Tigerbeat while waiting for my mom to buy our groceries at Luckys and was instantly smitten.
I wrote Tony a fan letter and he wrote me back hoping I can see them perform that summer at Magic Mountain.

"Can we go!? Can we go!!?"
"Maybe. If not this time around, we will take you someday."

I eventually had that
someday about 10 years ago.

The Defrancos sang at the first Retrofest in Santa Monica. I believe it was the first time they performed since the 70s. I flew down there, stayed at the LAX Hilton and went to see them in concert the following day. It was a little disappointing. I was no longer the little girl who had the crush on Tony. The music sounded amateur. I felt a tinge bit embarrassed sitting there in the small audience. But I always wanted to see them in concert. And was thrilled I accomplished one of my somedays.

I want to enjoy this journey in my life. I don't want to sit on the side lines waiting for that someday to potentially never happen.

I just need to reconnect my brain and my heart back together again. To focus back in. To rediscover what new project I can work on that will bring me my joy.

I guess for now.. i'm experiencing the quiet before the storm. The rest before the race. I got my shoes tied and I'm ready to embark on whatever it is that draws me.
Or what I draw out. I truly am. So bring it on.


Doodlestreet said...

This is such an inspiring post, Shawn. It truly is. And in your words, you seem to be waiting on your epiphany to move forward and to find that certain 'something'. Just your openness in "the wait" is motivational. Someday always happens. Always. When you are ready for it, it will arrive. You remember that Buddhist saying I bring up all the time..not sure if I shared it before with you, but it's always ringed so true to me. It says, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

I really believe in that. And when we are ready for that moment. That someday. It will appear to us. And because we are ready for it....REALLY ready for it, we will enjoy every delicate moment and the richness, fullness that it has to offer us. Our enjoyment of it will be immense and the lessons it will teach us will be enduring...


..I can hear you...

Kate said...

We are changing seasons. It always brings unrest. Have we done enough to move forward? You need these moments. They are introspective and vital to have you leave that starting post and run the race of your life. Listen. Stretch those muscles. On your mark, get set, and GO!

Jannie aka Chickengirl said...

What a thought provoking post. We all have our "someday." I'm pretty positive that someday always comes. Sometimes it takes a long time to happen. But we all have to the power to make it happen.

And thank you so much for your support of my book! I'm so curious to see where my book is at your bookstore!! :-)

danny said...

What a well written post shawn! I can relate to it very much. I too feel that sense of disengagement. I was reminded of an old Neil Diamond song, "Be"...All we can do is just 'be'...
Don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing, you'll be fine...
"like an empty page that aches for a word, or a song in search of a voice that is silent...just Be"
Your character is your destiny.

Lisa Jo said...

I wander the same streets as you (and the others who commented apparently!) I was so uneasy yesterday and I couldn't figure out why. Nor do I think I've ever noticed it so completely. When I lose sight of my iddy biddy heart string, I close my eyes and take long, deep breaths and hope that my mind will turn blank just long enough to feel that tiny pull. . . back down into my heart heart. Sometimes it takes days. Most of the time it's temporary. You're great, and your writing reveals your connection isn't completely lost. :)

platitudinal said...

I've read this post earlier but could not express it clearly (& eloquently) how this post touched me. Few days passed, and still tongue tied. I'm eliminating that someday and just say it anyway in a bumbling way, "Shawn, your honesty in confronting yourself. Thank you for sharing this marvelous gift with us. It's most generous of you!"

doodlegirl said...

Hi everyone! I had no idea I never responded to any of your thoughtful, kind, encouraging comments. I did in my head and heart many times. Thank you for being out there and for listening to my thoughts and most of all, for hearing me. xoxo