Saturday, June 4, 2005

Under House Arrest

Lately, I've been feeling as though I'm living under House Arrest.

I never get out anymore.

My electronic tracking device weighing me down is my own hyper conscience of working as hard as I can so people will be glad they hired me. I'm always working and never know when to shut it off.

I don't want to let anyone down.

Lately, I've been feeling I've been letting my *own* self down.

The dishes are staying in the sink longer. Some days, the bed remains unmade the entire day. And, the unread newspapers pile up on the coffee table in my living room for several days at a time. I even skipped a shower the other day. No time to clean or to garden or to read the newspaper or even exercise. Just gotta work, work, work.

On many days, I keep my blinds closed in my living room, just incase someone shows up at my door unexpectedly, can't peek in and see my messy house.

And I would be *** exposed ***.

A few weeks ago, a homeless woman showed up on my front porch and sat there for several hours.

My neighbors and friends ask me, "why did she choose YOUR house?"

I didn't know. I could only wonder. Perhaps my front porch with its yellow chairs was inviting her to sit and rest. Perhaps she knew she was coming to a happy and safe home.

But, my irrational fear was that she was a sign. Like, those people who, on their death beds, see their dead relatives just standing and waiting for them. Ready to welcome them home to the other side.

Was she that to me? Welcoming me to the land of the homeless? Just waiting? Just incase I decided to wash dishes or go out to lunch and neglect work for an hour or two... would that become my fate?

Tonight I'm releasing the electronic monitor tied to my ankle. Now it is called "irrational fears". It is so many things that keeps me glued to my computer and not to the rest of my life.

I cleaned the kitchen and living room and dining area tonight, so when I open the blinds in the morning, and someone peeks in, they will say, "what a fine, clean house".

My sheets are in the dryer and once I place them on my bed, I will sleep so wonderfully, because there is nothing like going to bed between clean sheets.

Tonight is the beginning of a renewed freedom. I have resolved to put more order in my day. To go to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier. To not necessarily work hard, but to work smart. And to learn the difference between the two.

And, I resolve to have more quality in my life. To meet new people and spend more time with those I love. Take mini breaks. Walk around the block. Open the blinds and let the sun shine in.

I really do love my life. I just simply need to remember to enjoy it.

1 comment:

petunia said...

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed. -- Sid Caesar