I ran in a rain storm if that counts!

So i ran this morning. In the chilly rain and mud and wind.

I had all sorts of weird dreams while I slept last night. I dreamt I met Helen Keller on my run. She was doing so well. Or perhaps, I was not doing so well... and that is why we were running together. When she introduced herself to me, I was impressed to meet her and told her she was a house-hold name, but I didn't realize in my dream she was the one who was both blind and deaf. In my dream, i thought she was an awesome runner!

In another dream, I was driving in a flood and my car spun out of control and I was late for the run and as hard as I tried to make it to the start-off gun, I was too late.

Race runs always make me nervous. I spend a lot of time worrying about it as I sleep. But I slept good in between my sleep.  I slept in clean sheets and each time I tossed and turned and rolled over, I thought to myself, "awwww, this is so comfortable..."

It was raining hard when we started out this race. And it was cooler than the weather said it would be. I don't know how cold it was when we started the race, but when I was done running, it had only reached to 42 degrees.

I was excited to run with Heidi and Angie, but because the trails were so thin, they put us on staggered start times... depending on age.  We are such fierce rule followers, I am older than both and started five minutes ahead of them.

(Looking back,  I could kick myself.  What was I thinking!? I shoulda just blew my age off and started running with their age group!!)

I don't know where my head was, but I continued running alone the entire seven miles. And that was sooo not what I wanted to do!!! My dream and desire was to run with them, because ever since our half-marathon run back in early February, I've been running mostly alone and to be honest, I haven't been enjoying it so much. Running hasn't been as fun! I missed my running buddies!!

The race went okay. During the worst stretches, my calves were sooo tight, i thought they were about to burst. i was reduced to a shuffle, stumbling over one rock after another, running up hill.  i prayed for some downhills for they would call into action muscles that were fresh, ones that didn't hurt so badly.  Meanwhile, I kept looking over my shoulder, looking for Heidi and Angie.   

To no avail.

By the time I reached the 7th mile, I sprinted to the finish line. And then I stood there, shivering, and getting drenched in a downpour waiting for Angie and Heidi to reach me. Seven minutes later they were there and we were discussing whether or not we wanted to run back the seven miles we had just ran.

The truth is. I could have run it. And I should have run it. But it was that seven minutes standing there under a terrential downpour, i started to feel myself feeling stiff and cold.. and when Angie said, "Naww... this is good, I'm gonna head home for a hot shower.." .. i hafta say the hot shower felt inviting to me as well and I was set to head there, too.

So I looked at Heidi and told her I was quitting... and she nodded at me and as she turned around and started running back the same course all by herself,  I immediately felt bad for my decision and wanted soo badly to catch up and run alongside her.

But I didn't.

I didn't! 

I just stood here shivering in the cold... and knew I had made up my choice.  To play it safe. Not to risk any further injury.

But you know what? I could have run the 14 miles.

So I sit here and I feel like I sorta let myself down as I know I could have done it! And I should have done it, but I didn't do it. 

So... I'm quiet all day....... reassuring myself that it's all okay.

Running is a funny thing.  It IS competitive. And it IS fierce.
And some days ya feel powerful and on some days you're basically a whimp.

But I learned something today. If I don't ever wanna feel that heaviness I feel in my gut today, I will push myself forward. And I will.

One step at a time.