Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Looking forward to the New Year

I am really looking forward to the ending of this year.

Haven't liked it so much.

Sure, there were some really wonderful, beautiful moments in this year. (My niece was born!) But it has also been a year of great sadness and loss as well.

Way too much loss. Unwanted goodbyes. Deep losses. Way too much heartache. And a ridiculous amount of sobbing into my pillow. There has been too many times of feeling the rug being ripped out from under me.

I jumped the gun when I said that my mom was fine. She is not.

When I was a very young girl, like maybe only 2 or 3, we were visiting my cousins in Long Island and they took us to Coney Island. I still remember refusing to ride the ferris wheel with my mom and sister and cousins. It terrified me. I pleaded through tears for my mom not to go on that scary ride!

In her always-optimistic ways, she tackled that ride without fear.

But, on the ground down below, I held on to Nana so tightly with my tiny little fists clinched so deeply into her arms that she could not pry my little fingers off to hand me over to my aunt. I cried and cried in horror of seeing my mom circling around and each time she passed me, she waved like crazy, smiling down at me. I can still see her in my mind's memory. A tiny little speck in the sky with the constant wave and smile. I was terrified for her safety! She looked so vulnerable, so high up in the sky and there was nothing I could do to keep her safe, except to trust the amusement park safety people.

It is one of my earliest recollections.

Today, I feel as though I'm that same little 2 or 3 year-old little daughter screaming in fear. There is nothing I can do to guarantee her safety! Holding on, and holding my breath. Watching. Waiting.

I am going through the deepest fear of my life. (Read #25)

She has cancer. And it is has gone to her lymph nodes. And in a couple of days we will know if it has spread to her chest and brain.

If are reading this, then I believe you can take a moment to do what you do in prayer, or in warm thoughts, or in lighting a candle or in positive beliefs ..... in pushing my mother forward to wellness and in good health.

I know many cancer survivors.

My focus and prayers and thoughts and belief is that her cancer has not spread and they will get it all in her upcoming successful surgery. That she will have at least another 20 more healthy, fun, happy summers and winters ahead of her.

I so believe in the power of prayer. Thank you for your friendship and for the virtual hug. I am resending that hug over to my mom. And to the rest of my family. You carry us.



bren said...

You have my prayers. xo

danny said...

Here is a deep, warm hug to both of're in my prayers and hopeful thoughts in the new year.

Doodlestreet said...

we have big warm hugs and prayers for you all, shawnie. hang in there little buddy--

Rayne said...

Oh, no, Shawn. I am so sorry that you and your mom and the rest of your family has to go through this. I know the fear, I know the waiting and I know there is nothing in this world that I can say to you to make it better. I wish so much that there was.
I can tell you that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I can tell you that I hope with all of my heart that this turns out to be a wonderful, heart warming, success story the likes of which even Reader's Digest has never seen.
If you need anything, if you need to talk, babble, complain, anything, just call.
I wish I could do more. I really do.

Janet said...

Oh Shawn, I'm so sorry! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

doodlegirl said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I embrace you and your words. It means the world to me. Thank you so very very much.

Rayne said...

I know I already left a message earlier, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hoping that today is a good day.

Anonymous said...

You and your mom are in my prayers. I know how hard this is, as my dad is going through chemo right now. Best to you both.


doodlegirl said...

Thanks for your thoughts, rayne!

violet: I am sending you a huge heartfelt hug across the miles! I'll be keeping your dad and you and your family close to my thoughts and heart. I so believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking and love.

ValGalArt said...

Here comes a big ol hug and lotsa love! Can you feel it? I hope so my friend.

doodlegirl said...

yes! I can soOo0oOoo feel it. Thaaaank you ValgalPal!

Jim Pearson said...

I'll be thinking warm thoughts of support and wellness for you and your Mom Shawn - your Mom is so lucky to have you and the phenomenal power of your optimism and faith.

doodlegirl said...

Thanks Jim! My optimism and faith are a result of my mother. She is the most optimistic and amazing woman .... and I'm so happy to be born from her. I told her when I was 3 years old, that I picked her before I was born. I still believe that.

platitudinal said...

Shawn, I just finished reading this post. I will pray for your mom and your family. Jim Pearson is absolutely right. Though, I've only known you from reading your blog, but your essence shines through. You are so sincere, positive, and everything sweet. (big hugs)

*I've asked Christer to pray for your mom too. He said he'll do that in his morning worship.


doodlegirl said...

dear sweet Luci.
thank you so very very very much. I am leaning into cyberspace and giving you a huge hug!
My mom's second surgery is set for Wednesday, Jan 16th. I so appreciate your prayers and Christer's too! Much love.

Michele said...


I am praying for your mother with all my heart! From what I've learned about the power of positive thinking and its connection to the body, I believe your mother's optimism will be as powerful as any medicine. It can only help her.

I will keep thinking positive thoughts. I'm hoping to read another post later that has better news. I'm reading them from oldest to newest.

I only wish I would've checked in sooner.

Michele Miles

doodlegirl said...

Oh Michele! I love what you wrote! I, too, believe the same way you do about the power of positive thinking and its connection to the body. I truly believe my mom's optimism will be as powerful as any medicine, too. She's having another surgery tomorrow to remove the thyroid. We'll all be there for her. It's another step toward her wellness.

Thank you for your continued positive thoughts.

carolyn said...

i don't even know you so i hope you don't mind me commenting- i am also an artist and found your site through another's... your story warmed my heart and i am praying for you & your dear mom. (i don't have to know you to know cancer is crazy, but prayers are powerful -james 5:16) blessings to you both in this new year...

doodlegirl said...

Carolyn, thank you so much for dropping by and sharing your kindness with me. Your prayers touch me deeply. Thank you!