Facebook has been a strange phenomena for me.
Suddenly I am connecting with friends I haven't seen since I was a teenager doing missionary work and its stirring up all kinds of various emotions for me. I haven't gone to church since that time, and I have mostly lived my life worried what my missionary friends would think of me knowing that about me. Afraid of disappointing, and fearing the feeling of judgement.
At the same time, it was such a long time ago that many of my friends who are in my life now, have no idea that I was ever in full-time ministry. Just like the people I knew back then, don't know about my un-churched life now.
Such a criss-cross of interractions and experiences in my lifetime.
During the time I served as a missionary, (making $19 a week)... I spent weeks in the roughest, most brutal neighborhoods of Harlem and in Flatbush and Bushwick districts of Brooklyn, NY, Portsmouth, VA, Tacoma, WA and Dallas, TX --and even in women's prisons.It was such an adventure.
We spent hours praying for the lost that they might find Jesus. But deep in my heart, where I was afraid to look myself, I wondered and worried if I had ever really found Him.
"Please God," I would pray. "Please reveal Your love to me in a mighty way." I prayed that same prayer everyday. With my eyes closed and heart pounding, I would be afraid to open them in fear of what I would find. Would I see Him in all His glory? Would I fall on the ground from the force of His love? Each day, I would open my eyes and each day I woudn't see anything except for what was in front of me and simply believed in faith that "yes, Jesus loves me for the bible tells me so."
During my stint as a missionary and afterwards, I feared I would say or do something that wasn't perfectly right or good. My insides were constantly swarming with emotions. Always conflicting, always feeling less than. Always admiring others' beauty and shaming my own.
And now that portion of my past has reunited to my future. All blending in, side-by-side in facebook, like an outdoor picnic with friends from all different walks of my life, I need to let it go and let life make its own history.
So. Here I am. Thank you for those who still remember me and want to friend me. This is me. Living my life the best I know how. I have a long way to go, but enjoy moving along with you.. toward a deeper spirituality and being a better person in this life of ours.
So. Let's start the charcoal. Lets unthaw the meat. The party is about to begin and you're all welcome to participate. Its gonna be party of a lifetime.