Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Thanks a lot!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any one's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas..

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda. Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

Oh, by the way..... a German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read blogs with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN (i received this as a humorous email forward from my sister) and wanted to pass it along!


shannon said...

This really is funny because it's so true! I haven't licked an envelope for a few years now! I think the story I originally heard was that someone licked it and it was smeared in larva eggs ... and then they had worms growing inside their mouth! What about certain deoderants causing breast cancer? Is this true? Or just another myth to keep us afraid?

Janet said...

...but, if you get tea at the restaurant where I work, I promise, I have thoroughly washed the lemons, and I pick them up with a tong thingy to put them atop your glass...

doodlegirl said...

Gosh, Shannon, I have no idea about the deoderant, but unless I wanna smell like a water buffalo, I keep spreading that one on.

Janet... You rock!!!!! I LOVE that you do that! Do other restuarant workers do that, too? It sure makes me feel a whole lot better! THANK YOU!!

Doodlestreet said...

This one totally cracked me up!

"Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt."

When I was about 8, my brother Dennis told me, with all certainty, that there was a monster living in our toilet upstairs. It was the only bathroom we had...no options to go anywhere else! So every time I (barely) sat down...I would constantly peer between my legs afraid it was going to come out and bite my bum! To this day, I'll catch myself starting to look...then I stop and roll my eyes at myself and mutter, "oh brother."

Rayne said...

Yummy! KFC mutant chickens! They do it right.

danny said...

Haha! thanks for all those pearls of wisdom! I had heard that dishwashing liquid causes cancer, so now I spit shine them and dry them on my t-shirt.
(just kidding) :o)